Dealing with the present and getting back on track
Name: Kerenza
Age: 42
Occupation: Writer, Mum to 2 boys age 1 and 5, Wife to PTSD sufferer
Height: 5'9"
Weight: Too scared to check. Was 12st 13lbs 2 weeks ago but I've eaten a ton of junk since then.
Meds: Currently switching from 150mg Sertraline to Mirtazapine + Propanalol for depression and anxiety.
Mood: Low
Goals:
1. Get my pre-baby body back through weightloss, physical therapy rehab and exercise
2. Sort out my emotional state to live on an even keel and even find some contentment.
3. Learn how to adult (juggle all adult responsibilities in a sustainable way that doesn't overwhelm me)
4. Grow my business to earn enough so my husband can stop work and get better and we can afford couples therapy. Then I'll know if we have a future together or not and will be able to support me and the boys after separation.
My messed up recent life and how I get back on track...
So. Here we are then. My attempt to haul my contrary self into some kind of contended life. I'm not doing this blog for accountability, I'm doing it to share my ups and downs because I don't have anyone who I can talk to honestly about how I'm doing.
I've had a hellish few weeks. I was doing well losing weight (lost half a stone through intermittent fasting), THEN it all went wrong. I had a review with the Dr of my Sertraline, I had plateaued and wasn't feeling any better, so he suggested I increase my dose to 150mg. I was anxious about doing this because any changes I've made previously have made me feel horrendous for 3 weeks or so. But he assured me it would be fine.
It was not fine.
I've had insomnia, nightmares, my mood has been down in my boots, I've been jumpy with anxiety, jittery as soon as I wake and had palpitations. I've gone right back to emotional eating too - probably undoing all my progress so far.
So it's not gone well, really.
I spoke to the Dr this week to update him, and he said I should switch to Mirtazapine with beta blockers for the jittery anxiety. I asked him if I should taper off the Sertraline slowly but he said I should be able to go straight over.
In the words of Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman - Big Mistake. Huge.
Not only have I had withdrawal symptoms in the form of vertigo and giddiness, but the Mirtazapine is so strong I was like a zombie for 36 hours after taking it. Not exactly helpful when I'm a self-employed writer who needs high levels of concentration and focus!
I spoke to the surgery late yesterday afternoon, and now I have a plan to slowly taper off the Sertraline and slowly introduce the Mirtazapine with a slight overlap. Which is fine. But the consequences of the past few weeks are significant. I've lost my weightloss progress and focus, I feel awful in myself - an overwhelming sense of hopelessness, my work is suffering as I have no motivation or ability to concentrate, and my self esteem is back to rock bottom.
And here I am, sat on the sofa on a Saturday afternoon, having spent half the day in bed with vertigo, wishing I was someone else. I'm also fearful that my husband is going to get angry and frustrated with me because me being ill puts pressure on him. I'm guilt-ridden.
My hope is that in starting this blog I can find a way to get the creaky wheels of change on the move again. Even if the way I choose to jumpstart my engine isn't exactly healthy, or advisable, by anyone's standards.
Weightloss motivation
So I've been reading a lot of eating disorder books and watching videos. Not because I want an eating disorder - god knows it sounds horrendous - but because I hope that some of that self-discipline and change in relationship with food will be absorbed into my psyche and I will stop being so weak around junk foods. Food is my prop, my medicine. I use it as a drug, eating mindlessly to make myself feel better, bingeing frequently. But I really struggle to implement any of the standard lifestyle advice without getting overwhelmed, or other things sliding completely because it takes up my whole focus. So if I can change how I feel about food - to become indifferent - then I can lose weight without losing my progress in other areas of my life. And yep, I totally accept this is flawed logic. And the ramblings of desperation. But I don't think I'm alone in this.
Energy
I've always struggled with lethargy and a lack of drive. From a young age I used to nap after school, and often found life overwhelming. Right now I'm coming back from a period of disordered sleep routine and insomnia, so I'm going to experiment with morning effervescent supplements to see how they affect me. I've ordered a multivitamin, a pre-workout caffeinated supplement and a green-veg one. I hope one of these, or a combination of them, work to combat my fatigue and lethargy.
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